For years now I had been having horrible nightmares about my mom passing away, they would all play out in different ways. Sometimes we would be doing her make-up and hair in her casket in others my sisters would call me with the horrible news and in some of them she would just end up "gone".
December 31st 2010 my nightmare had came true.
My sister called me, barely able to speak, sobbing and helpless trying to tell me what had happened.
I couldn't quite make out what she was saying but I knew what she was trying to say anyways and for some reason I just kept almost ignoring what she was saying to me, I didn't want to believe it and I didn't want to hear it I guess. Then it hit me and it hit me hard.
I thought I knew pain and heartache but truth is I didn't until that day.
I headed straight over to my mom's house where my step dad, sister and two policemen were in the living room ...and my mom in her bedroom.
Words can not express the feeling of sitting in your mothers home while she is lying there dead in the next room. I wanted so bad to run in and help her, keep her warm, hold her and make her feel safe- I didn't want her to be alone like that, but they had warned us that it wouldn't be good for us girls to see her that way.
So no matter how bad I wanted to go in there, I didn't.
We sat there waiting for the mortuary to come and get her for what seemed like was hours.
I had never felt so many feelings at once... lost, hurt , alone, angry and guilty.
For some strange reason I have always known deep down inside that my mom would not be around to see me have children, I hated to think that way but somehow I just knew she wouldn't be here when that day came and it hurts to say I was right.
I'm not one who believes in life after death, never have and I have no reason to believe it -I really wish I did because I think it would make things a little bit easier.
My mom was always one to tell me she would let me know if she could still see, hear or feel me when she was gone and I have yet to have any sign of her around me.
She is just gone and when your time is over, it is over.
This past month I have been a complete mess and I apologize to those whom I have neglected or ignored in any way, It is hard to even want to get out of bed in the mornings or do anything for that matter.
The more I do the more guilty I feel and the pain just seems to get deeper.
I know that time does not heal all wounds, and I most definitely know that it won't heal this one.
I don't know the exact reason I am writing this in my blog, maybe in hopes of that it will help me heal? Be stronger? Or maybe just to get a little bit of pain off of my chest one piece at a time.
It has been hard being excited about the little one that is inside of me right now but I am trying so so hard to take care of him and myself no matter what.
I have so much more to say but I figure I would save that for the next depressing blog entry I make ;)
On a happier note... I am now 17 weeks preggo and a few weeks ago (week 14) they did an ultra sound to check out my gal bladder because of some pains I was having and while she was doing that she decided to let me take an early peek at the baby and with in just seconds we saw that it was most definitely a HE (or maybe it was an extra hand down there) Everyone has always asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl and I can honestly say I have not ever cared, as long as the baby is healthy I will be happy. I felt him move, well more like "flutter" for the first time at about 15 weeks, it was a crazy feeling- not strong at all, just a quick little flutter, I can't wait till his kicks and turns get a little stronger.
Pregnancy so far has.. well, for the most part sucked to say the least.
It seems like I have just had problems after problems and of course my moms passing just made everything worse. I have noticed with in the last two weeks the nausea has at least calmed down a bit and I only get sick here and there instead of all damn day, so that's a plus.
So as of right now I am just stuck with constant migraines and mild nausea along with all of the normal preggo pains and what not, but yes- I am STILL trying to
enjoy being pregnant while I can and yes I do know that I am very luck to have the opportunity to have a child of my own- I will be forever thankful for that. Well I will be having my 18 week appointment on Monday so maybe I will update everyone on the blog after that.
Please never ignore your mothers phone calls and assume you will be able to call them back a few days later, remember that they themselves need someone to care, hold and listen to them just like they do for us.
Simply let them know you that you love them.
Baby at 14 weeks
Love u mom.
